eyes_of_laura_mars | Shattered ch. 10/?

Title: Shattered
Author: Andy
Summary: After Buffy's funeral Willow and Angel turn to each other in their grief. One night changes everything.
Chapter 10/?
Genre: Drama/Angst/Romance
Chapter title: Angels hung around
Word count:2728
Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to Buffy the vampire slayer.
Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated.

Taking late night strolls wasn't exactly the safest of hobbies, that would be true virtually everywhere, but in Sunnydale the activity held more than your average potential for danger. What with being on top of a Hellmouth and a hotbed for demon activity. And if anyone should be glaringly aware of these dangers it was someone who had devoted the last few years of her life aiding in the fight against those said demons.

But, still Willow was out on her own walking the streets after dark heedless of the monsters that might be lurking behind every corner. She was sure enough in her magic abilities that she knew she could likely take on any threat that presented itself. And right now the prospect of having to fight a demon out here than facing the questioning eyes of Buffy and Dawn back at the Summers' residence. Neither one of them had out and out asked Willow about the person she had committed the infidelity with. Buffy was being sensitive, not wanting to press her for details too soon. Dawn didn't know the gory details about why Tara left, she just knew that it was Willow's fault, so the teenager was barely speaking to the witch right now and seemingly avoiding her whenever possible.

But Willow knew that sooner or later curiosity was going to get the better of Buffy and she want to know who Willow had slept with. She was afraid of what might happen when the question was asked. She was afraid she might not be able to stop herself from blurting out the truth. She had felt on the verge of doing just that over the last few days.

Every time Buffy would do something nice to try and comfort her, like the breakfast she made her the other day. Or when she would ask her if she needed to talk or anything. When she would give her a hug. Willow would imagine herself screaming that she didn't deserve her kindness, because she had done the unforgivable. She had slept with Angel.

So she had spent a lot of time avoiding the Slayer and her sister. She couldn't take the risk she might not be able to hold it in. Then her world would be an even bigger mess than it was now.

And right now it was a disaster.

Willow hadn't been paying much attention to the path her feet had been taking and just happened to look up after some time and realised that she had traveled a lot further than she imagined. She was all the way on Crawford Street. Only a small distance away from the mansion.

She paused and took in the haunting edifice looming just ahead of her.

'The scene of the crime.' she thought sardonically. And just like criminals do, she kept walking forward and returned to where the act had taken place.

Angel had spent the day at the mansion. His first instinct had been to just turn the car around once he realised where he was, but the idea of going back to the hotel and facing the interrogating from his "friends" was just too daunting at the time. He figured he could use a break from the acting okay, which apparently he hadn't been doing a very good job of anyway.

When sundown came around he was still in no big hurry to head back, so he swung by Willie's and got some blood, more than enough to hold him up until he got back to L.A. He had gotten at least three days worth. He hadn't acknowledged it yet, but it seemed his subconscious was anticipating an extended stay.

As soon as Angel walked into the mansion he sensed her. He froze for a moment, he wasn't sure if this was real or just some wishful thinking. He closed his eyes and took in a deep pull of the air through his nostrils. There was no mistaking it then, Willow was there.

He dropped the bag of blood instantly and made toward the scent. He found her in the foyer, she was staring into the fireplace as if transfixed by the non-existent flames.

A troubling picture of Drusilla flashed through his mind just then. She used to stare at things that weren't there all the time. Because he had drove her insane. For a terrifying second he wondered if he had played a part in yet another innocent girl losing touch with reality.

"Willow?" He ventured hesitantly.

She whipped around startled.

"Sorry." He told her, "I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

The tension drained from Willow's shoulders, slumping them. "Angel," She murmured, with dull curiosity, "what're you doing here?"

She may not seemed thrilled to see him, but at least she wasn't screaming at him to go away. So that was something.

"I'm not sure really," Angel answered honestly, "I just sort of ended up here."

A small laugh dry escaped Willow's mouth, "Me too." She said. "What are the odds?"

Angel could tell that the girl was in distress over something. "What happened?" He ventured.

Willow tugged her arms tightly around her. She was looking down at the floor. When she raised her eyes to Angel he could see the sheen of tears in them, it made his heart ache. "She knows." she said quietly.

Angel immediately thought, Buffy. That the Slayer had somehow found out about them. He was at once terrified and exhilarated at the prospect.

"Tara," Willow elaborated, Angel didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed. He wanted Buffy to know, but at the same time he didn't. "Not everything," Willow went on, "not about you, but she knows that I cheated. She left me."

A thrill shot through Angel at this news and he was ashamed of himself, but, he couldn't help it. The idea of Willow not being attached to someone else anymore excited him. He was careful not to show his delight though.

"How did she found out?" He prodded gently.

Willow sniffed and let out a sigh, "She said that she could feel it." She told him. "She said that she could feel it in the way that I touched her, said that she'd been touched that way before and knew what it meant. When she confronted me I couldn't deny it."

"I'm sorry." He said in an appropriately compassionate tone. "Are you sure that there isn't a chance that you'll work things out?" Again he tried not to show his eagerness for her to answer to be no.

"No." Willow answered with certainty, "Even if she could forgive me, it would be wrong for us to get back together, she deserves better than me. Tara's the most amazing and loving, wonderful girl in the world and she deserves to be with someone who will worships her the way she should be worshiped. Someone who will know how lucky they are to be able to touch someone like her and will only be thinking about her and that's not me, not anymore."

"I'm sorry, Willow." Angel said again, with all sincerity this time. He hated that Willow was in any kind of pain and knowing that he had been a major contributing factor in it only made it that much worse.

Willow's next words took him completely by surprise.

"It's not your fault." She admitted, "I know how I acted when you tried to talk to me. I treated you awfully and it was wrong. I was angry with myself for letting it happen and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Angel averred. "You had every right to be angry at me. I shouldn't have let things get out of hand the way they did. It was my fault."

"We were both there Angel." Willow countered. "We both played are part. You know what they say, it takes two and that..." She cut her words short with a shrug. .

"So," Angel ventured, "you don't hate me for what happened?"

Willow laughed a little, Angel was confused about what was funny, "No," she said, "I don't hate you. I wanted to hate you. I tried to hate you. But, I don't. I can't."

"So how do you feel about me?" He hazarded, feeling that his entire unlife rested on her answer.

She looked up at him with impenetrable eyes and said, "I wish I knew."

Angel took a moment to let those word sink in; I wish I knew. Hardly a declaration of undying love–but would he have wanted that? Did he love Willow? He thought about her every waking–and none waking–moment. He wanted her, desired her, that was for sure, but love?

"So," She ventured into Angel's contemplative silence. "What about you? How do you feel, a-about me, that is?"

"I'm..." Angel ventured, trying to find the right word, "confused." He settled, it was hardly a lie.

"Confused." Willow repeated, slowly. She nodded "Yeah, that's sounds about right."

"And conflicted." Angel added.

"Yep." Willow seconded. "Got that one too."

A small smirk appeared briefly on Angel's lips.

"It's just hard to grasp that after just once, my emotions could be turned upside down the way they are." He went on. "I'm mean at first I thought it was because of the circumstances, that that night it happened everything was just so emotionally charged. I thought that I was maybe transferring my pain over Buffy onto you, but now that she's back... now that I've actually seen her..." He trailed off his head shaking as he tried to wrap his brain around it.

"How was it?" Willow ventured after a moment. "When you saw Buffy."

"It was...different." He edified. "It wasn't like when we saw each other the times before. Before when I saw her after an absence it was like no time had passed at all, I felt the same about her as I always did, but this last time. Well, it was different. Something's changed between us and I don't think it's just on my end"

"Buffy 's been acting different with everyone since she got back." Willow offered. "She hasn't been herself. How could she be? She was in hell after all, you know? I mean you should know."

"Yeah." Angel acknowledged with a wince. "I do know. But my feelings for Buffy, if anything, were only stronger after being in hell. It was holding on to her love that was the only thing that kept me from giving up completely. And it was that love that saved me after I returned."

Willow's brow furrowed as she thought about Angel's words.

"Well," She ventured. "I'm mean everyone copes in different ways, that doesn't mean that Buffy's feelings for you have changed."

Angel sighed. "I don't know," he said. "I guess it could have been me. I was feeling strangely being with her and maybe I projected that onto Buffy as well. Either way whether it was both of us or just me, things have changed and it will never be the same for me and Buffy."

"Yeah," Willow said quietly, feeling the ache of tears building in her throat as she thought of Tara again. "I know what you mean."

Willow had stayed for quite awhile after that, the two of them talked about what they how they had been struggling after what happened. It had been a good talk. And it would have gone on longer, but when Willow started yawning in between every other word Angel insisted that she should go home and get some. He also suggested that he walk her, but she wouldn't let him. It was too risky, she didn't want to take the chance of Buffy seeing him. Angel reluctantly conceded her point about that, but still argued he could take her at least part of the way. Willow gave in and when they parted ways Angel had the urge to kiss her good night. But in the interest of not pushing her too far too soon, he settled for a hug. He was still rather surprised when she didn't back away, but embraced him in return.

For the first time in what seemed like forever Angel was truly in high spirits. As he made his way to his old bedroom he knew that he would have the same dreams he had wished would get out of his head for the past weeks, but this time they would be welcome ones. He was just shucking his shirt and getting ready to climb in between the sheets when a thought struck him, it had been nearly two days since he had stormed out of the Hyperion after his tiff with Cordelia.

He dug his cell out of his pocket and turned it on to see several messages from the Hyperion's land line number and Cordelia's personal phone. Instead of listening to them he just punched in the number and called back.

"Angel Investigations" Cordelia's voice came on a moment later.

"Cordy, it's me."

"Angel!" She cried.

"Yeah." He confirmed. "I saw you left me a lot of messages, is anything wrong? Did you have a vision?"

"Oh I had a vision all right." Cordelia huffed. "I had a very vivid vision of my foot connecting with your ass!"

Angel blinked, nonplused. "I- what?"

"What the hell is wrong with you just disappearing like that and not answering your phone?" She demanded. "For all we knew you were lying dusted in a ditch somewhere."

"Sorry," Angel replied, cowed. "I, um guess I wasn't thinking."

"Ya think?"

"Cordelia, I said I was sorry." He said, his tone sharper now. "I just needed some time to myself to figure some things out. That's all."

Cordelia sighed, defeated. "All right fine, I understand. Next time just answer your damn phone will you?"

"I promise."

"So," Cordelia ventured. "Just where the hell are you anyway?"

"Funny, that you mention hell." Angel said. "I'm in Sunnydale."

Willow was surprised about how her encounter with Angel had gone. She had expected that being around him would be unbearable, that the proximity would bring her guilt all that closer to the surface. But it hadn't been that way at all. In fact it was the first time in a long time where she felt like she could breath. She had no dark secret to keep with him. He was the dark secret.

It was good finally being able to talk to someone who understood what it was like living with this hidden shame. It didn't exactly make her feel better knowing that not being able to tell anyone what was going on with him had caused a bit of a rift with his friends in L.A., but it was a relief that having him understand about the distance it had created with the people she cared about.

It was strange, because what happened between her and Angel was the thing that had led to the unraveling in her life, it was the reason she lost Tara, but after talking to him she felt better now than she had in a long time.

Morning was just around the corner as she let herself into the Summers home. She climbed the stairs carefully, not wanting to wake Buffy, Dawn was staying over at Janice's. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Willow supposed it was because of her, Dawn was still mad at her for Tara leaving.

She was surprised to see Buffy's room empty when she got to the top of the stairs. She usually was home from patrol by now.

'Maybe she had to take another one of those awful double shifts at the double meat palace.' She supposed.

Willow didn't think it was fair Buffy having to do her Slayer duties and work at that grease pit. She had tried to help out with the bills as much as she could. Her parents gave her a bit of money every month, but hardly enough to cover the mortgage on the Summer's house and all the other expenses.

Willow was too tired right now to worry too much over the everyday life problems. She went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and changed into her PJ's. Then she climbed into bed and slept more soundly than she had in weeks, not even notice Tara's absence beside her.

TBC...

shattered 9