Shattered-Chapter 9/?

[eyes_of_laura_mars]

Title: Shattered

Author: Andy

Summary: After Buffy's funeral Willow and Angel turn to each other in their grief. One night changes everything.

Chapter 9/?

Chapter title: Screaming infidelities

Pairing: Willow/Angel

Word count:3095

Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to Buffy the vampire slayer.

Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated.


Angel was sitting at his desk sketching out the scene of Willow and Tara and himself he had fantasied about when a knock sounded on his door.

"What?" He barked, he hated being interrupted when he was working.

The door swung open and Cordelia strode in. Angel quickly shut his sketch pad and tossed it in a desk drawer and slammed it closed. He got to his feet.

"I said 'what', not come in." he reiterated through gritted teeth.

"Oh, I must not of heard you right." Said Cordelia. "Oh well, since I'm already here we may as well have a little talk."

Angel let out an exasperated sigh. "A talk about what?"

"About you and why you've been acting like you're vying for the crown of mope king of Los Angeles." She folded her arms over her chest. "It's been two weeks since you found out that the love of your life was miraculously resurrected from the great beyond, so why are you still walking around like your puppy just got hit by a dump truck?"

"I don't want to talk about this Cordelia." He shot down.

"Well, tough 'cause we're gonna talk about it." She replied. "Okay at first Wesley just told us that you were still dealing with the shock of it all. And yeah okay I could understand that, but the time has come that you need to shake it off. Enough is enough Angel. It's time for you to get back to your regularly scheduled life, or afterlife, whatever."

Angel was not in the mood for this, what was it supposed to be anyway? A pep talk, an intervention?

Whatever it was Cordelia was right about one thing, it was enough.

He pushed himself off the desk and stepped toward her.

"Let me ask you a question Cordy, Have I been doing the work around here, accepting the jobs from the clients you and Wes have been signing?"

"Yes, you have." She acknowledged. "But, I'm not just talking about work Angel-"

Angel put up a hand to shut her up and was surprised when it actually worked. "Then what's the problem? I'm doing my job, the rest of it is none of your damn business." With that he shoved passed her, grabbed his jacket and keys and stormed out of the hotel.

...

Willow clicked off the bathroom light after having just finished her nightly routine, she breezed into her and Tara's bedroom ready to crawl in and cuddle up next to her girl.

She was startled when instead of finding her lying down in bed in her nighty, Tara was perched fully dressed on the edge of the bed an over night bag placed next to her feet.

"Tara?" Willow questioned, confused. "W-what's going on?"

"You know I really thought that it would work, or maybe I was just hoping." Tara said quietly.

Willow gestured further into the room.

"What are you talking about? What's wrong?" She asked feeling panic beginning to rise in her. She licked her lips nervously. "Is this because of our fight about the magic? Because I did that forget spell on you? Tara I told you I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, baby. I told you I'm won't do any magic for a week it hasn't even been two days. But I haven't done any magic I swear."

"That's good." Tara acknowledged. "I hope you keep it up. But that's not what this is about."

Willow felt slightly stupefied. "Then what? I don't understand."

"I thought that once Buffy was back things would get better" Tara went on "I thought that her death was the thing that had caused the change, but that wasn't it, was it?"

Willow shook her head slowly. "Tara, I don't..."

"I thought that you were so consumed by your grief for Buffy and that's was what was causing you to be so distant. But she's been back for weeks now, but you're still gone."

"I don't understand." Willow said, and she really didn't. "What distance is there I mean you and I have..." She gestured toward the bed indicating their love making, which had been occurring on a regular basis.

"It's not the ph-physical distance, I'm talking about." Tara elaborated. "It's not that you don't touch me. It's the way you t-touch me, it's, it's different." She declared. "And I know why, I've been touched that way before."

Tara's eyes had been cast down the entire time she had been speaking, but now she raised them to meet Willow's.

Someone had put a vise around Willow's heart and squeezed it when she saw the sheen of tears in Tara's big blue eyes.

'Oh, Goddess.'

She fought back her own tears.

"T-Tara," She implored.

"Just please don't try to deny it." Tara begged. "Because the only thing that could make this worse right now is if you tried to lie about it."

Willow rushed over to Tara and crouched down in front of her taking her hands in hers.

"Tara, baby, I'm so sorry." Willow sobbed. "I made a mistake. A horrible, unforgivable mistake and you have no idea how much I regret it. I wish I could take it back more than anything, please believe me. I love you. I love you so much. You're the one I want. The only one I want. Not him."

"H-him?" Tara's voice was small.

'Oh no.'

The vise pulled tighter. How could her heart take it? How could it not burst?

She knew that she couldn't have hurt Tara worse than to have cheated on her with a man. She knew how insecure and worried the girl had been that Willow would one day make the jump back over to boystown. And now Willow had made her love's worst fear come true.

"Oh, Tara, I'm so sorry."

Tara pulled her hands away and stood up.

"I-I have to go." She declared, backing away.

Willow lurched toward her. Tara put up her hand to ward her off.

"No, don't. I can't." Then she spun around and dashed out of the room.

"Tara!" Willow cried out.

Tara didn't answer, she was gone.

Willow crumpled to her knees and cried.

.*********************************

Willow was sitting in the kitchen, alone, in the dark. There was a cup of tea in front of her long since cold and untasted, the latter was probably a good thing since it was probably brackish from all the tears that had dropped into it.

She had been sitting there for a long time, her butt was numb from sitting, but she didn't notice because so was the rest of her. She couldn't go back upstairs, back into the bedroom. She couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in her and Tara's bed alone.

It was ironic, just a few weeks ago she had gone out of her way to avoid that bed because Tara was in it, and now that she wasn't...

Everything was a mess. It seemed an even bigger mess than it had been before she had brought Buffy back. Having Buffy back was supposed to fix everything.

Every time Willow tried to fix something, she just made it worse, she was a disaster. It was like pulling at a frayed thread of a sweater, if you could just get rid of that one imperfection it would look good as new again. But instead of just coming off the whole thing unravels until you're left with nothing but a tangled mess of yarn.

That was Willow's life right now.

She was so consumed by her sorrow she wasn' t even aware of the door opening and Buffy walking in.

"Willow?" Buffy was surprised to see her friend sitting at the kitchen counter when she walked in the door. It was nearly 3:00 am she should have been in bed hours ago.

"Buffy?" Willow returned her voice devoid of anything. "I didn't realise you weren't already home."

"Yeah, um," Buffy fumbled for an explanation." I know, it was one of those nights, as soon as I thought I had the vamps taken care of they just kept springing up again. Damn things." She couldn't say that it had only been one vamp that kept springing up, Spike.

Willow nodded absently.

"So why are you still up?"

"I-I just couldn't sleep." She answered. Buffy just then noticed the strangeness in her voice.

Buffy crossed over to the counter and sat down beside her.

"Will, what's wrong?"

Willow shook her head.

Buffy reached out and squeezed her hand."Willow, come on, tell me what is?"

Willow swallowed that damn lump and sniffed. "Tara's gone." She whispered.

"Gone?" Buffy questioned.

"She left me."

"Oh Willow, I'm sorry." She gave her hand another squeeze. "What happened? Did you have another fight about magic?"

Willow's head shook.

"Well, what happened? Whatever it is I'm sure the two of you will work it out, you were made for each other."

"No," Willow blurted. "We won't. We can't work it out. I did something horrible and she'll never forgive me." The tears that Willow assumed had dried up by now started flowing again.

"Will, I'm sure that whatever it is it isn't as bad as you think it is."

"It is." She said quietly. "It's worse. Buffy I-I was with someone...else. I cheated on Tara."

Willow slowly looked up at her friends shocked face.

"Oh." Buffy quietly remarked once her brain was able to make words again. "Oh." She repeated. "W-when, I'm mean how, who did-" She shut her mouth and tried to get a better grip on what she should say.

"Are you in love with this other person?" She finally asked trying desperately to not sound judgy. She was the last person who should be judging anyone about their love/sex lives.

"No!" Willow adamantly answered without a thought. "O-of course not. I do not love him. It was a one time thing and a huge mistake and I want nothing more than to just be able to take it back." her voice was becoming more choked with tear with every syllable.

"Okay, okay." Buffy soothed. The fact that Willow had said him was not lost on the Slayer, but seeing how upset her friend was she didn't feel it was the most prudent time to press that issue. "It's okay." She put her arm around her friend. "It's gonna be okay. People make mistakes, maybe Tara will eventually come around, be able to forgive you."

"No. She won't." Willow voice was stone cold sure about that. "She shouldn't."

Willow wasn't even sure she wanted her to. As much as pain as it was causing her to lose Tara, she couldn't help feel a sort of relief from finally being found out. And receiving the punishment she deserved. There was a part of her that was glad the secret was out. Well, part of it anyway.

But Tara hadn't been the only woman Willow loved who she had betrayed. The other was holding her right now trying to console her, being her friend. She definitely wouldn't be if she knew the whole truth.

Willow's stomach went into a free fall just thinking about that. Buffy was her best friend and she would lose her to if she ever found out that Angel was the one Willow cheated with.

Willow's fingers dug into Buffy's arms, a subconscious gesture, trying to hold onto her.

"I'm sorry." She sobbed. "Oh Goddess, Buffy, I am so sorry. Forgive me please, please forgive me."

"Shh, Will, it's okay." Buffy cooed, stroking the friend's hair, squeezing her tighter. "It's going to be okay."

If only that were true.

...

Willow woke up feeling icky all over. She had spent the night on the couch unable to face the empty bedroom. Her head ached. Her stomach ached. But nothing ached like her heart.

As soon as she opened her eyes tears sprang in them. The vision of Tara's watery, blue eyes the night before when she found out Willow had slept with someone else. A man.

She clamped her eyes shut trying to block the image, but it only came though even clearer now without any other visual distraction.

The smells of a breakfast being made wafted into the living room sending a wave of nausea over her. She sat up, the motion doing nothing for her upset belly. She waited a moment for the worst of it to pass before getting to her feet and heading for the {thankfully empty) bathroom.

When she got there, she took one look at her reflection in the mirror— her sickly pale reflection, blood shot eyes— and threw up.

"Ouch!" Spike hollered as Buffy swatted his hand with a spatula as he was reaching for a slice of bacon. "What kind of way is that to treat a guest?"

"Just fine." Buffy replied. "Seeing as you are an uninvited guest. Those are for Willow."

Spike snorted. "Doubt she'll eat it all." Or any of it. He added silently. His vampire hearing was well in tuned to the sick sounds coming from upstairs. "Just let me have one."

"No." Buffy refused.

"But I'm hungry." Spike whined.

"Then why don't you take your blanket and go get something somewhere else." She suggested tartly. "You shouldn't be here. Coming by like this in the daytime. It's suspicious."

"So? Who cares?"

"I do." Buffy asserted. "I care. I don't want anyone finding out anything."

Spike rolled his eyes. "So what's with this spread for Willow anyway?" He redirected.

"It's a comfort breakfast." Buffy elaborated. "Willow's hurting because Tara left last night."

"Right." Spike remarked. "And the reason she left was because Red stepped out on her, so the way I see it, isn't it Glenda that deserves the cheering up?"

Buffy smacked him with the spatula again, this time across the chest. "Hey!" She hissed. "Don't you dare go around repeating that do you hear me? God, I don't what I was thinking telling you in the first place. Why on earth I confide in you is beyond me."

"Right, because sharing intimate details is something that couples do."

"We are not a couple." Buffy asserted fiercely.

"Well, we sure as hell do a lot of things couples do to not be a couple." he remarked slyly, creeping slowly toward Buffy.

She held up the spatula like a weapon ready to strike. "Don't." She warned. "Stay right where you are."

Instead of being cowed by her cautioning him, Spike just smiled and slunk closer still, until he was right up against her, he put his hands on her hips.

"No." Buffy feebly asserted. "Not here. Not now."

"Morning." Willow's voice came from the entryway.

"Will!" Buffy chirped and shoved Spike back.

"Hey guys." Willow said her brow squinched looking from one blond to the other. "I thought I heard voices in here. I was expecting you and Dawn."

"Dawn stayed over at Janice's last night, remember?" Buffy enlightened.

Willow eyes narrowed trying to think. "Oh right. I guess it slipped my mind."

"That's understandable." Buffy empathetically remarked.

"So, Spike." She ventured. "What brings you by so bright and early?" She asked putting an emphasis on the bright.

"Oh, um" He fumbled. "Well, I couldn't find me lighter." He said. "Thought I might of left it here."

Willow nodded numbly. She hadn't really been paying all that much attention to his excuse. "Oh."

"So how did you sleep?" Buffy asked concerned.

"Fine, I guess." She answered. "You know, considering..." She grabbed herself a glass and poured some juice. "So what's all this?" She asked gesturing to the smorgasbord laid out.

"It's for you." Buffy informed. "I thought you could use a comfort food breakfast, there are pancakes and bacon, all your favorites."

Willow fought a wince at that never ending pain in her chest. Here Buffy was making her breakfast trying to cheer Willow up and she had slept with the love of her life.

"Thanks, Buffy, that's really sweet of you." She said, feeling like she was going to cry.

Apparently this did not go unnoticed. "Gee, Will is not that big of a deal." Buffy replied. "All I did was follow the directions on the pancake mix box."

Willow shook her head. "No, it's an amazing gesture." She argued. "But I'm just really not that hungry."

"I figured you might say that." Buffy said. "And I understand. I know you're in pain, but you have to take care of yourself."

Willow gave her a weak smile. "I appreciate your concern Buffy, but honestly I'm just not feeling that well this morning. I think I might be coming down with something. I don't think I could eat a thing. I'm sorry you went to all this trouble for nothing."

"Ah, don't worry about it." Buffy dismissed.

Willow set down her glass and declared. "I'm going to go shower. I have a class in about an hour."

"Okay." Buffy said. "Feel better."

"Thanks."

"So," Spike ventured once Willow was gone. "Does this mean I can have some bacon now?"

Buffy glared at him and huffed away.

He stared after her nonplused,"What?"

...

Angel hadn't planned on coming here. In fact he had had no destination in mind at all when he got into his car and rocketed away from the Hyperion and Cordelia's constant needling about when he was going to snap the hell out of it.

All he had been wanting to do was drive. There were few pleasures Angel could enjoy on this earth without dire consequences or that end without blood shed. And one of them was cruising along the streets at night with the top down. There was nothing like it to clear away the cobwebs from a person's mind.

Angel loved to drive. Out of all the inventions that he had been witness to in his two hundred and some odd years the best— for his money at any rate— would have to be the motor vehicle.

He let the night air envelope him, it combed its fingers through his hair and kissed his skin. He drank it in. He just drove in no direction in particular, just turned the wheel when it felt right and kept going strait when it didn't, and before he even realised the path that he had taken he was passing by the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign.

Comments

Shattered - 9

[(Anonymous)]

Poor Willow, overwhelmed by guilt and can’t escape it…and she lives with probably the biggest source of that guilt - Buffy….

Angel subconsciously seems to know what he wants (hello Sunnydale), but can’t admit it to himself how much.

And - ooh! Is sick Willow, a pregnant Willow?! If so, very interesting as not too many of these around : ) Guess I will have to wait and see….

Looking forward to the fireworks!
Jo

Re: Shattered - 9

[naughtynyx88.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! Thrilled you liked this chap! Will have the next one up a soon as I can.